Disclaimer: Dieser Beitrag gibt einen Einblick in Abschnitte meiner eigenen Forschungsreise und wie ich außerhalb einer Beziehung (sprich: als ich single war) meine Sexualität mit verschiedenen Sexualpartnern erforscht habe und was es für mich gebraucht hat, um mein Vertrauen in Männer* wieder zurückzubekommen. Das war meine Reise und mein Weg und deine Reise wird 100% ganz anders aussehen. Der Beitrag ist etwas älter (2017/18), auf englisch, nicht gegendert und aus meiner damals noch sehr stark geprägten binären Weltansicht. Außerdem lege ich es dir an’s Herz nochmal “safer sex”-Praktiken zu googeln, wenn du mit mehreren Partner*innen unterwegs bist. Für dich und deine Partner*innen. 

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In the last months, I had 5-7 different partners with whom I’ve been sexually intimate.

It took me months to really be okay with that. To not feel some guilt or shame running up and down my spine and to not think that this is not okay. Even now, that I’m writing this, I feel a tiny bit the fear of being judged and labeled as a “bitch” present in my stomach.

But with every Partner I shared this sacred space (note: some felt sacred, others were plain and simple „Let’s just have sex“-moments, my thoughts about this: sexuality has many different flavours, sacred sexuality is only one of it and it does not always have to be the super-sacred-sex-space we enter), I learned something new about me. Every partner gifted me with something that I could not have found without him.

Me, as a woman, I do not need men to feel complete.
By now, I feel pretty damn whole and in touch with my unique being. But I do need men in order to find some blind spots in my being that I can’t possibly see if there is no counterpart that gently shines its light on those parts.

Same way with men. Men do not need women in order to feel complete or capable. They have to inherit the feeling of being enough just as everyone else.

It was a journey to get to this point where I feel that free in my sexuality.

Starting the journey of exploring sex outside of a relationship & developing trust in men and most important: in yourself.

It was a journey about allowing myself to fully explore my sexuality in every way. This meant allowing myself to just as well explore my sexuality OUTSIDE of the safe container a relationship has always been to me. For me, as a conditioned small-town-girl, this was not as easy as it seems.

In order to be able to do this, this meant to develop a whole new level of trust to put in men, so I could open and relax in the arms of those, I didn’t know for too long and when there was no commitment in walking a path together. And of course: Learning how to trust men again, meant learning how to trust me.

But I was lucky.

Every man I shared time and intimacy with was on the same boat as I was.

Though with some men I never really spoke open-hearted about what’s important for me, there was always an underlying, non-verbal sense of „Even though we are not in a relationship, we are still giving us the commitment to take care of each other. To support each other in speaking and living our truths, even when it gets hard. To give us time and space, to slow down if needed, to make room for talking if needed, and to just go crazy wild if that’s what both our truths look like at the given moment.”

It was such a beautiful, from times beyond sacred and so incredible healing time for me.

Allowing myself to be with different partners at the same time was one of the greatest gifts I could have given to me. Because I got in touch with so many aspects and facets of my sexuality. With every partner, there was a new, unseen part that showed up a little more. With every partner, I explored new movements, new styles.
But what’s more important: With every new partner, I was able to figure out what’s „MY“ thing truly.

Finding out about how YOUR truth looks like in sex

Meaning: When do I give up my authentic movement in order to go along with the men impulse? When do I not speak up and ask for more time and space to surrender? To slow down a bit in order to have some time for feeling into my womb and vagina, getting in touch with my sexual energy, feeling it and letting it flow?

All those questions have been crazy important for me on the journey. They have been by my side and will continue to do so.

But I remember that the very very first step to even START this journey was this:

ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE A RESEARCHER. And this includes: watch out- here it comes: Allowing myself to collect experiences that my mind is labeling as „not so good“ „bad“ or even „hurting“.

The “not so nice”- experiences and why they are utterly important for your sexual growth

Yes, I had shitty experiences. I remember that one situation after a meeting with a guy where I went out the door and was like: „Seriously Kaiya, did you really needed to do that? With this guy?“

Yes. Guess I needed to do that. Because in the end, it was just another experience, another important step for me to get in touch with what I really WANT and what not.

Think about it.. as a researcher you need some scientific proof, some positive results and some negative results in order to achieve a conclusion and at least some clarity about the object of exploration.

And without you being willing to (excuse me) step into the shithole there will be no clarity and no moving forward.

Before I got to this point I collected one experience slightly deeper than the shithole. An experience I wish none of you will ever have to collect. (and if you do, it’s okay)

The REALLY shitty experience

This experience brought up so much old trauma, left me shaken and crying, releasing and feeling old pain all over again. It was the pain of stepping beyond my borders, completely numbing myself out to get over the time I shared with this men, and to just let him do his thing. It was ugly -and fuck it hurt. Not on a physical level. I could even say the sex was quite good. But it hurt my soul more than anything.

But after feeling the pain, letting myself hold from the beautiful woman I was surrounded by that time, nurturing me and caring for me and then entering the time for reflecting what had happened, I came to the point of deep-deep gratitude for this experience.

Why? Because it was a game changer. Everything shifted after this experience. Everything turned upside down. Since then I’m wayyyy more sensitive with myself. I’m crystal clear (okay, not always) with communicating my borders. I care for myself by setting me a safe container BEFORE I enter a sexual encounter. I even started a little ritual by giving myself the space to set an intention before the sex starts or before it get’s too hot. Sometimes I kept it for me, sometimes I shared it with the men. Often it was something like: “I want to allow myself to speak out my truth in every little moment and I want to allow myself to stop in the middle of all of it when something feels off and I can’t really be present.“ 

I was silent for too long. And I think many of us have been.
So it’s time to speak up. And for me personally, one of the first steps included to give myself permission to break the silence.
And to be super-über gentle with me all throughout the process of LEARNING how to speak up. Because that’s what we do. We are LEARNING.

Basically, we are all freaking beginners who know shit about nothing. So let’s start behaving like this. Let’s start embracing our beginner-state. Embracing our insecurities. Making „mistakes“ all over again in order to learn more and more. About ourselves. About our sexual being. About our partners. About life. And about so much more.

We are learning and we are on the way.
Let’s be gentle.
To all of us.

In love and grateful you have found your way here,

Kaiya.

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P.s: Wenn du mehr von mir lesen möchtest, dann lade ich dich ein in meinen “Inner Circle” zu kommen. Dort gibt es Texte von mir zu lesen, die mir zu intim für die Öffentlichkeit sind und spezielle Angebote für meine Coaching Kurse. Ich freu mich, wenn du mit dazu gehörst und der Space dir immer wieder wohltuende Inputs gibt, die dich unterstützen im Alltag gelassener und präsenter mit deinem Herz, deinen Gefühlen und Emotionen zu werden.

JOIN OUR HEALING TRIBE

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DAS KÖNNTE DIR AUCH GEFALLEN: 

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Du bist mehr als dein Leid, so viel mehr.

. Nicht die Beziehung ist gerade dafür verantwortlich, dass es mir schlecht geht. Sondern mein Trauma und meine Wunden, die sowieso schon in mir waren. Nicht der Mensch, mit dem ich gerade bin, [...]

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2020-07-25T08:29:36+00:00