How you stop running away from your feelings
The truth is:
I run away. FAST.
Like .. within 2 days my flights were booked.
I didnt run away from him. Or a place. Or a situation.
As always – it was me who I was trying to run away from.
Not only from me – but my feelings. Pain. And an unknown power and wisdom I carry inside of me.
- 10 years of watching disney and high school movies. Of seeing women taking revenge on men. bitchfighting against each other. Pulling hairs over a men.
- 1000 years of burning witches and abused women. Supressed women. Girls who are not allowed to go to school.
- 100 more years of living in patriachial structures.
All of this turned me into a women that wanted him to bleed.
Just as much as I was bleeding.
That wanted to see him being in pain.
Just as much as I was in pain.
It turned me into a woman who wanted to take revenge. To go to a place in portugal to have sex with other men just so she can tell him about it.
I assumed that it must hurt him if he cares about me.
You know how many of those “love stories” I watched?
In which women do exactly this? They get cheated on and the next thing they do is to go out and seek a man they can sleep with and do EXACTLY the same to their partners?
Wie du mir, so ich dir.
Don’t even ask how many.
This is not love.
In love there is no war.
In love there is no hurting on purpose.
You dont do stuff like this if you TRULY TRULY love.
How cruel is that?
How cruel is it to want to hurt a person you actually love just because you cant deal with your pain and feelings?
So why are we doing it anyways?
Why am I here now?
Why was I even THINKING in that way?
What we consume forms our system.
Because society, history, cultur .. it has an impact on us.
What we consume. Daily television, newspaper .. It has an influence on us. On who we are. On how we think and react.
It forms our system. Not only the one on the outside. But the one we carry within.
What you observe, you take in.
And if you haven’t learned how to release it ..
well.. it doesnt know its way out on its own. So it stays.
Open the newspaper right now and what you’ll find is cruelty. Stories about murder. Ugliness. Bombs & war.
Not one sentence is about two people falling in love. Dancing in the rain. Making love.
All those personal development gurus tell you one thing about change:
“If you want to change something – dont focus on the bad.”
So why do we keep on putting our focus on the bad? I dont need to read the newspaper to know that there is a lot of shit going on in the world. I dont need a paper to be aware of this.
Instead of focusing on the problem – what about focusing on solutions?
But today I dont write about this.
Today I write to tell you this:
I dont want to be this woman anymore.
That is judging other women when they show their nipples public – just because she hasnt developed that freedom yet to not give a fuck anymore what other people think.
I dont want to be a women who sees others as a competition.
To question my beauty everytime I admire someone elses beauty.
I dont want to be a woman that hurts people on purpose.
Just out of despair cause she dont know how to handle the feelings of not being loved anymore. Of not being wanted. Of being left alone.
I dont want this.
I dont want to fucking break apart everytime a guy decided to leave me.
I dont want to question my worth every fucking time.
I dont want this.
It stinks. It sucks. It makes my life harder as it is.
And its also not part of me. It doesnt belong to me. That’s stuff society passed on to me.
Stuff I learned from stupid movies that formed a picture in my head of “How a women should react when she is being cheated on”
And guess what .. it hurts even more.
If you know what kind of movie I’m talking about, you might remember a point where the women regrets sleeping with another men the MINUTE after she did it. When she realized: Shit. I actually never wanted to do that. I completely lost control over me.
Sometimes she even says: That wasn’t me. I never intended to hurt him.
So why are we even doing this in the first place?!
Because not once growing up I saw a women in REAL pain. Not pain like “uhh, I broke my finger nail.”
But pain that feels like your heart is breaking into a million pieces.
Not once I saw a women just completly falling apart. Crying. Endless of hours over the loss of someone she loved.
Children learn through observation.
And if you never see a women facing her feelings for real .. well.. there is no chance for you to know what to do with them once they are there.
All we learn and see is how to push them away. How to distract ourselves until we can’t distract ourselves anymore.
Until we get sick. , need to lay in bed all day long and being left alone with our feelings and thoughts.
Sickness is a gift. It’s an invitation for healing.
But that’s also one of the reason why being sick is so fucking shitty.
Because you can’t run away anymore. No more distraction. No more hiding from your feelings.
I came to Portugal to distract myself. To run away.
To overtune my sarrow with the moan of another men.
Just like I did it when my heart was broken for the very first time.
But it doesnt work this way.
It just really doesnt work this way.
YOU CANT RUN AWAY FROM YOUR FEELINGS. Never. Ever.
There will be a time in your life where you have to face them. Better sooner than later. Because the more you push them aside – the more will wait for you when you begin the work I call “soul work”
If you dont do it now, your life will force you. I lay my hands in the fire for this one.
And if you ever wondered why I share so much of my personal journey on facebook:
This is it.
The reason I do this is to tell you, that
Yes. Its okay to be afraid of your feelings.
And its okay if you try to run away from them once in a while.
But there will be a moment you have to face them. And if that moment comes I want you to know:
You are loved. You are beautiful. And you are not in this alone.
How to not run away anymore
But also because I wished that someone would have teached me how to not run away from my feelings. How to not run away from ME.
That someone would have told me that running away will always always makes it harder. Even more complicated. And doesnt solve anything.
Someone who said me a bit earlier that facing my feelings is the most beautiful gift us woman and human beings carry inside.
And that this is why we are here.
That this is our purpose.
Because we can transform that shit.
We have the power to transform pain into joy.
We have the power to heal those heart breaks.
And to learn again how “to love like you never been hurt before”.
We have the power to choose healing over suffering.
And if we can do this:
Damn right we can choose peace over war.
This is why I show you my tears so many times.
This is why I am here.
This is why I write.
If you feel attracted by my words I would love if you consider sharing them. Please help me to spread the word and reaching more women.
This is the link to my private facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/kimmagdalenaschubert/
Because us women – we have A LOT of feelings confronting us. This is no men bashing. This is no “we blame the patriachat.”
This is a calling from me to all those women out there who want to heal. Who I’m inviting to join me and not walk this journey alone. Because in the end –
we are all in this together.